must have been something else there girl that u aint sharing...this is prison, not jail

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

I was out in my back garden one nigt, chilling. Smoking a doubie & checking out the night sky. I remember it well, cos I was listening to some kyuss, and a headphone popped out. No biggie, just pop it back in, but something.....the start of it all, made a noise.

'Urrrrhhhhhhhhhh....'

At first I thought it was a mate, taking the piss. The make-up was good, looked enough like a zombie to me, but then the SMELL hit me.

'Yes Dave, that IS the walking dead in front of you'

So I turned around, went in the house, locked the back door and picked up my phone.

''9....9.....9.........................Hello? Yeah, Hi, um, look, your probably best not asking any questions, just sending an armed response unit to this address and into the back garden. Tell them to aim for the head if possible....It'll help'

  'Sir this is an emergency line, please state your emergency'

'Uh.....there's a zombie in my back garden'

  *click*

'Sunuva.....9...9...9.....Hi, YOU AGAIN! Right, look, if you don't want to send this response unit, then send someone to come clean up the mess in my back garden once I'm done caving this dudes head in that's shuffling around like a zombie in my back garden!'

  'Sir, we record these phone calls, any further action will result in this phone call being used as evidence'

'Kay, well just you know that if you don't include the words zombie and head shot on the advice to the guys that turn up, I'ma coming for you as soon as I deal with the zombie in my garden'

So one hour later, a car arrives, the two officers walk up to my front door, but I've already got the window open. Explained to them about the walking corpse in my backing garden, reminded them about how a headshot is required, and the important rule, don't get bitten.

So let's call them Dickhead 1 and Dickhead 2 (cos I never got their names) cos they opened up the back gate, saw the zombie clear as day in the back garden, the kitchen light showing that there was a very large gapping hole all over its side. And Jaw,

So D1 tries to rush in and help the zombie with the gaping wounds, shuffling straight towards him arms up. D2 draws his gun and asks me to come out of the house. At this stage, D2 gets distracted by the screaming D1 that is not only in the zombies arms, his neck is in his mouth. D2 gets all jittery and nearly shot me when I came out the back door with a baseball bat.

'Knew I shoulda just done this at the start...'

And introduced the bat to the distracted & feeding zombie. One swing, nothing elaborate. Upon D2's legs realising they still worked, he ran. He didn't stop running to get in the squad car & drive off, no, he ran. And if he was still running later that day when the outbreak properly happened, he's a gonner too.

So with D1's freshly dead (and abouta turn back) corpse on my hands, I decided to save what little ammo he had for later, and use the bat. Unfortunately my stumpy baseball bat snapped making sure he didn't come back.

At this stage, I made a few choice phone calls to friends/family, advised them to gear up and head to Cork. With nothing on the news, this could just be a localised breakout, and until it spreads, opposite end of the island is the best spot to be. However I had a detour to Belfast, as I had some numb nuts on the other end of the line that I made a promise too.

So as I walk into the offices, everybody just instantly seems to realise who I am. Seems he was joking about the zombies earlier with his workmates, so they all dispearse from his general area.

I took him with me. Tied his ankles and his hands.

Originally I was going to kill him, but at a time like this a distraction could be handy to avoid a small horde, and that was the case trying to get out of Belfast. Travelling south seemed like a good plan, but turns out this outbreak was happening everywhere all along the north coast, but with the morning rush hour traffic trying to get into the city, and me trying to get out, it just wasn't happening, and then they just appeared out of nowhere.

I grabbed Fred (he told me his name when he was kidnapped, at least I think that's what he said...man I wish I'd had more duct tape to gag him) and I ran, he hopped/got dragged. At this stage Cork was a couple hundred miles away, I needed to get out of the traffic jams, so I went for the airport praying that some dude would have a Cessna there ready to go. It took a little persuasion after I bounced into his plane as he waited for clearance to take off ('Dude, look out there...k? Now I just saved your life with advance notice that a death horde is coming this way, now fly this thing or your going to experiene death then deja-vu!') and with Darwin in stitches laughing over the irony of it all, the engine fails just as he's about to start the take off.

Hence where Fred came into play, dragged out of the plane by 200m, shot in the knee to keep him still, and just enough of a distraction for my new pilot friend to safely get old skool with the technically know-how (he got it working beating it with a spanner.....hope he could do that in midair if it cuts out them).

And with that I had my first flying lesson, which was helpful. After we got to Cork, we took a ship to South America. In Bolivia that one flying lesson came in handy as the zombie hordes appeared from the south. Flew and crashed in Mexico, just shy of the American border, but at this stage the entire world had kicked off with zombies appearing EVERYWHERE.....except in the USA & Canada......

I managed to get across the border, but got caught, tried to explain what had happened and since I was here and provided them helpful insight into zombies (aim for the head, numbnuts) they freed me, granted me asylum (I wasn't going home) and lived in NY for 2months before on a drive down in N.Jersey, some dude saw the NY plates and tried to rip me off by jacking my car, so as I got out of my car, I pulled my glock and riddled the prick.

*coughs*

Turns out it was an undercover cop, trying to jack my ride to catch some perp.

He didn't show a badge, fuck he didn't even have a badge on him cos I checked.

What he did have, and held in his hand till he dropped was a loaded gun.

Anyway, before I knew what was what, I got a baton to the head, a canister of mace in the face, and apparently cos I resisted (y'kno that writhing in pain ya do when you take a baton to the head and a canister of mace in the face? yea, that) they deemed it necessary to pop one in my kneecap. Yay(!)

So I went down for that, tried the appeal route so many times they got sick of me and transferred me to Putnam, and in Putnam I just got uprooted one day and told 'You, fuck off to Arizona' and here I am.

At least inside the pen aint too bad, no zombies are getting in easy, and if they try, well, looks like the inmates & guards are gonna be on the same side then, eh? =P

yo deserve a huge invisible cookie for that, also you won the internet

Well thanks for asking. You will be surprised in why I was here. Well..... I used to be in a special unit called area 51. And lets just say that I saw really weird stuff in there but I couldn't tell anyone. I told someone about the weird thing and when they found out I told them they put me in prison and added a cover up reason for why I am in prison. For attempt of murder of my boss. Which was a lie. ;P

Yeah, In Canada we put our zombies in the parliament.

I was out on the piss with a few mates, things got a little out of hand. Somehow ended up running down the street screaming at the top of my lungs while butt naked, covered in a mixture of blood and cocaine with a gun in my left hand and a hookers severed head in my right, firing at the odd person here and there till i collapsed. Good times.

Im in here cos... one day i woke up i thought to myself, F**k the world, i decided to steal my dads barretta, sneaked it into my science lesson... we were disecting rats that day i lost temper cos i wasnt allowed to used the knife so i pulled out the gun shot the rat then my teacher and 2 of my classmates. I was 14

rapist is in here for drugs and arson.. he drug a little boy into the woods and smoked his cock

and u r here cuz u were that little boy and miss him?