Lmfao.... Good laugh

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

I pulled up alongside a prostitute earlier and said, "How much?"

"£300 for the night." she replied.

I said, "Is that the best you can do? Come on, mum, I thought we were family?"

So a police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."

"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

My mate's dog has been trained to sniff drugs. It's brilliant, he can even roll up his own £20 note.

I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would just ask her how long he would be.

As I said her name she looked up at me, teary eyed, and I asked what was wrong. She replied "My mummy is selling my pussy because we need money".

"Really?" I asked in response as I looked at her mum, she showed a look of guilt. I said to her "How much for one night?"

Apparently there was some misunderstanding...

someone told me today that if you kill 27 terrorists you get your virginity back

Im gonna try that.. I'll let you know if it is true or not..